Miracles of Modern Medicine

I had my first ever visit to an emergency room Monday evening. Sunday morning, what I thought was a varicose vein in my groin had swelled to about the size of a pecan. During the most important meeting of the year at work on Monday, I finally had to call my boss aside and let him know that I had to go to the hospital. Turns out the varicose vein is an abscess.

Here's where the squeamish should stop reading.

As I said, I thought it was a varicose vein because it had swelled slightly in the past after a hard weekend of booze and meat and cheese. What do these three things have in common? Constipation. And constipation can cause things like hemorrhoids, varicose veins and abscesses. This is why I recently switched to a predominantly vegetarian diet.

Let this be a warning to all of you meat-eating drinkers out there.

Back to the emergency room...

When I arrived, I had a fever of 102 and walking was only comfortable if I walked like a cowboy. It was a pleasant experience, I assure you. After waiting for about an hour and a half, a doctor came into my curtained "room" and while prodding the swollen lump on my "taint," asked me if I had used any foreign objects. It took me a while to realize what he was asking otherwise I would have said, "Other than the family of badgers, no." Instead, I answered in a formal, medical way, "No, I think it's from constipation, but I've switched to a mostly vegetarian diet."

Mind you, the doctor is still prodding during this exchange.

They run some blood tests and everything is normal so he prescribes antibiotics and painkillers. If I wasn't on painkillers, do you think I would write this?

At some point, I will have to go back so that they can lance it.

The silver lining on this dark cloud is that my cholesterol and blood pressure are "excellent." Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit in hot water for half an hour.